Magic at the Aboretum

Yesterday I went with Willa to the Arboretum and we walked slowly through the trees, noticing colors, textures, scents, spots of light and the luminosity of life in everything we could see. We took our time, we observed, we talked when we needed to. 

It was magical.

I haven't felt the magic of life in a very long time.

To say things have been difficult in the past months would be an understatement. 

My move to Seattle from Long Beach tore me apart completely, regardless of how right I knew it was. 

I've always believed in beauty in the breakdown, but I have never experienced it like this before. By voluntarily tearing myself apart and breaking down everything I had counted on to be real, I have grown in ways I didn't think existed. 

I lost myself in myself, in a place where life felt like hell and death like heaven.

Slowly, I am realizing the truths that have always been in the depths of my heart, covered by layers of people that I love telling me that I am wrong.

I know now that these things do not require blame. 

It is enough to realize them, trust them, know them, and allow them to be how they are; control never works.

This is where I have found freedom, this is where the world opens for me. 

It doesn't mean that there are no more lessons to be learned or deep pain to experience, but rather, the opposite, and that is beautiful. 

I will continue to create experiences for myself in which I will learn how to be the person I would like to be. 

I will pay attention to the nuances in myself and document them as best I can. I will be honest, particularly when it hurts to do so. I will undo the hurts I've inflicted on myself (and thus others) out of fear of inadequacy.

This is the healing process.

The photographs that I take now are far more calculated; each one very important in its own right, but usually to no one else but me. 

I am okay with this. 

I have realized that it isn't about the people, places, or things I photograph, but the inherent connections that exist between me and them, them and the viewers, them and you. 

My instincts grow where my passion flows.

May we all find the peace we are looking for.

J