reminisce

I used to take self portraits almost every single day. Looking back, I almost can't believe how well I documented some of the most difficult portions of my life, and I'm so glad I did. I've been feeling stagnant lately, almost as though I'm regressing. So today I'm reminiscing to remind myself of my progress and growth. 

Setbacks are inevitable, I'm learning that over and over again. But the point is to continue on, lessons counted and stored away for reference. Some days seem impossible, so impossible a self-inflicted death seems like the only and best option. It never is though! No matter how many times I've desired nothingness and peace from the turmoil I half encounter, half put myself through, the gratitude that I didn't always outweighs the pain that preceded. 

I'm figuring out how to embrace myself and conquer this pain in ways that not only benefit my own happiness, but everyone I touch as well. Learning to love wholly, to trust in who and where I am, how to forgive those who've hurt me knowingly or otherwise, and how to forgive myself. 

There are days when things just are not okay at all, and sometimes those days require nothing but acceptance. The fight turns into letting go, perfection to embracing flaws. 

I'm not sad anymore like I was in some of these photographs. More people experience these feelings than they'd like to readily admit, and I want you all to know you're not alone. I've been to hell and back and I'm sure I'll go again. Let me remind you that this is worth it. You are strong enough, you can do anything. My love grows every day for all the souls that exist, particularly those in pain. Don't give up. I may not know you but I do love you. 

september and october

It has been a whirlwind past few months, although, when is it not anymore?

Heartbreaks and beautiful new friendships alike, I'm experiencing changes as I never have before. I finally feel as though I have some control over certain aspects of this flux, at least generally so in the direction I'd like to go. 

I have had to let go of a lot, continuing to allow the dead and no longer useful qualities, habits, or humans fall away in order to make room for new beauty. Everything is raw. A lot of it hurts. But I also have felt more consistently alive than I have in years, perhaps ever. Even with the floating portions of these transitions, my understanding is growing ever deeper with the help of following passions, doing only what feels good and right, and the friendships that surround me.

I've been thinking a lot about how lucky I am that I get to do so many things that I love on a daily basis. I ride my bike every day, make art (other than just photographs), climb or run or do yoga or exercise in some way, be with people I love, read and write, expand my mind and soul. I'm grateful for that.

The idea of change has been floating around in my head lately as well. Even though I'm totally comfortable with the way I've spent my time and am happy to be doing so much that I love, it is inevitably going to shift, and is currently in the process of doing so. By nature, I cannot be comfortable in one place for very long. The transitions become difficult when we're moving from a place of comfort and ease to pain, fear, and unknown newness. I do know, deep down, that it is not only inevitable but eventually desirable; however, those reminders only go so far during the experience itself. 

These are depictions of the experiences outside of the mindsets. I have hardly been shooting for myself recently and haven't produced much that I'm absolutely proud of, but as life shifts so do the subjects I photograph. I'm becoming more of a documentative photographer than anything else. It's strange to shoot fashion or the portraits that I used to, now.

I'm transforming.